The Clan Update

The last few days I have been thinking alot about the evolving family. Family's change so much over the years. You start off as two people in love and grow to a family of three or more. With our new baby on the way, I like to reflect on what type of mother I am, what type of wife I want to be, and ultimately the kind of person I aspire to be. Talking to Dana last night, I realised how sensitive I am to how other people treat their loved ones (including myself). Sometimes I put on this big front, like "I don't care what you think", but truly I do care. It hurts me that I don't have the relationship I wish I had with several members of my family. I often wonder what I am doing wrong, or if I am the cause of all this grief. Most of the time I blame myself and feel so helpless, and then there are glimmers of hope when I feel validated by people who support me and our family. It is not always easy saying what you believe to be right, most of the time it is a very hard road to travel. I was so inspired by this girl on this show called 'Made'. She was an opera singer and in the marching band, but she always wanted to start a rock band. Her 'coach' told that being a rock meant totally exposing how you feel to the world whether they want to hear it or not. He told her that a lot of people would hate her for it, but many would respect her for it and those people are called her fans. He then said it ultimately was about being true to herself and following her heart. In this show, they gave out assignments and her first was to stand up in front of her highschool class, and tell them all 5 deep, personal things that she has never told anyone. She basically got up and shared her feelings, but I was so inspired because I am a firm believer that many people wear masks, never truly exposing how they feel and in essence who they truly are. I will be the first to say that I am one of those people. I try to reveal certain things to certain people, but the fear of not only rejection, but vunrability is too strong. This seems like a really heavy post to have on blogger, but so often you see posts about family, events, updates- and not very often to read something true that truly allows you into that persons world. So hear I go, sharing something true. 5 Deep things that I have never publically spoken:
1. I wish I could have an amazing parent daughter relationship.
2. I wish that my parents could support the decisions I have made, even if they don't agree with them.
3. I wish I had a strong sister like relationship with my two sister-in-laws.
4. Sometimes I feel like no-one sees who I truly am or knows what is in my heart.
5. I am very self conscious and want nothing more than to be accepted.

Read it, feel it, let it become a part of who you are, or completely disregard it or attack it. Whatever your reaction is, embrace it. This is how we learn and grow.

That wasn't too bad, now if I can only hit the 'publish post' button.....